Tuesday, October 14, 2008

His Yellow Blanket

For those of you that don't know, tomorrow (Wednesday October 15) is the National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. So I decided to use this blog to tell of my story...please bare with me as I tend to type the way I talk. So if it's grammatically incorrect, I apologize in advance...this will probably be long.

In September 2004, Joey and I became pregnant with our very first baby. Joey was in Georgia hunting with his family and I had purchased a few pregnancy tests earlier that day. It was late evening and I was about to take a hot bath. I did what I had to do for the test, then set it on the side of the tub. I got into the bath and my cell started ringing...it was Joey calling. As he talked, I looked at the test and recognized the positive sign indicating that I was indeed pregnant. I interrupted him and said "Are you ready to be a daddy". He said, "Are you serious" (with excitement) and we were so happy! We were ready to be parents.

I soon set up an appointment to meet Dr. Moffit for the first time, and to make sure they would take me on as a new patient. The appointment went well. Our baby looked like a peanut but had a strong heartbeat. We were told our baby was due July 1st 2005. When I left they gave me an ultra-sound picture, a care package consisting of neat goodies, and a single red rose. They told me they'd see me back at my 12 week appt. Again, we were so happy.

I have to stop to tell you this. Joey's family ALWAYS has thier (immediate family) Christmas "get-together" around the 3rd week in December. But for some reason, work schedules caused us to push it to the first week in December. We were in Georgia for the occasion. Joey's nanny gave a gift to us for our baby. It was a yellow blanket. I remember thinking, "Ok, I will probably never use this one but...ok". it wasn't one that I would have picked out, and it was more like a comforter than a blanket. And yellow was certainly not the color I wanted the baby's room to be! The baby also got a Georigia Bulldog pacifier and some other UGA stuff. Anyway, back to the story....

On December 14th 2005, I left work and headed to the doc appt. for my 12 week check-up. I told Joey not to worry about coming. He worked in Ocala and I didn't want him to drive that far for a 15 minute check-up.

As they always do, the nurse checked my BP, iron, urine, etc. before I went into my room. I sat there and waited, wondering what my baby would look like at this point in the pregnany. Dr. Wood came in and asked how I was doing/feeling and all that good stuff. She then asked me to lay back, and she began using the machine on my stomach. She moved it all over my stomach, and said nothing. She then decided to use the "wand" to check me. She said that sometimes the baby can still be low and better detected that way. So then they checked me again. She found the baby and she measured him. He was not moving, and didn't have a heartbeat. She asked me to get dressed and said she'd be right back in. When she came in, she said that I had lost the baby. He measured to be around 8 weeks (10 weeks in baby terms). And remember, I was at my 12 week appointment. I had carried him 2 weeks after I lost him, and my body didn't give me any indication.

I didn't cry at first. I didn't know what to say. Dr. Wood had me drive over to Lake Medical Imaging "just to make sure". I did. And they were sure too. I still had not cried.

I then had to drive over to the Day Surgery building to set up my D&C that would be performed the next morning. I broke a little when I had to sit in front of a nice woman to answer questions. Remember...I was alone. I still had not called anyone. Not even Joey. I knew I had these things to do and I knew I needed to be strong and not broken.

When it was all said and done...I called Joey. His first question was, "Well, how did it go" and I broke...I broke hard. Between tears I said, "I'm not pregnant anymore". I then told him everything and asked him to call my mom and sister, and his parents. I was still in shock. The rest of the day was a blur. I remember Joey came home from work, and we just went to bed and went to sleep. it was easier to deal with that way.

On December 15th 2004, Joey and I headed to LRMC for my surgery. We had to be there at 6:30am. As we walked in I thought how ironic it was that I would walk in with a baby inside of me, and walk out in a few hours and that baby would be gone. And it wasn't my choice.

Finally, around 8am, the nurse took me to the room where I would have the D&C. When I awoke from the surgery, I immediately asked the nurse, "what was the baby's sex?" She replied to me, "Honey, it was just tissue". Tissue? She said it gentle but it hit hard. It was more than tissue, my baby had a heartbeat, I saw it! I have a black and white picture of him!

One week after the surgery, I received a phone call from Dr. Wood. She said they had sent a tissue sample to the lab and she believes I had a "molar pregnancy". She then said I would have to wait 6 months before I could try to get pregnant again. She also said that I would need to go once a week to Quest Diagnostics to get my blood drawn. She wanted to make sure my levels were going down and not up. I guess a molar pregnany can trick your body into believing you are still pregnant. So for 6 weeks, I did this. And my heart hurt everytime. There was always a different tech. drawing my blood. Each time, they thought they were drawing blood to determine where I was in my pregnancy. And each time I had to explain myself. So my healing process was like a roller coaster.

Molar pregnancy defined: http://pregnancy.about.com/cs/pregnancyloss/a/aa072599.htm

If I did indeed have a molar pregnancy, it was a "partial mole". You will need to read over the link above to understand.

So that's really it. That's my story. Joey and I lost the first little person that God gave us. Why did God take him? I will never know. But I do know this. Our baby was a boy. I know this in my heart because God revealed it to me in a dream. He did so because I prayed, and asked him to please show me. I had to know what my baby would have been! Thank you God, for answering that prayer.

Around Christmas time, I wanted to get an ornament to hang on our tree to represent the life we lost. But I never got around to it. When I got back to work, just after Christmas, there was a gift on my desk. I opened the box and found a crystal ornament, and it had blue in the center. It was perfect! That ornament means so much more than the giver will ever know. And she gave me this ornament months before my dream. But even then...I knew my baby would have been a boy. Having the Lord's confirmation was such a blessing.

Last thing before I close. Why is my blog titled His Yellow Blanket? Well, to this day, that yellow balnket is Will's favorite blanket. Will chose it, I didn't force it on him, remember...I didn't even like it. He absolutely loves that blanket. It wasn't bought for him, but he has claimed it. He sleeps with it every night, and loves to rub the tag.

Time has healed my wound. Will has healed that wound. But I will always remember that I have a baby boy in Heaven. And one day I will hold him in my arms, and maybe, just maybe, Will might let me use his yellow blanket...


Deborah said...

Thank you for sharing your story...Mine is similar. I always tell myself at least I didn't have to feel the baby move inside me or meet him/her face to face like some people I've read about on your blog list but I think of that baby often. It's hard when your joy of being pregnant is taken from you in such a way. Thank God for our little boys who bring so much joy to us now!!

Christy said...

Thanks for sharing...I know it must have been difficult to write but Im glad you did...There is a reason for everything, God had a plan.
I think it so sweet Will loves the yellow blanket.

Jeanne said...

I'm just weepy here. I'm sorry you had to feel that pain. You expressed it so well and with so much strength and grace, Jennifer. The yellow blanket gets me. There's a big ol lump in my throat. I think it's wonderful that Will loves this blanket. It's wonderful that you didn't just stick it away because it wasn't something you would have picked. This is a very special story and I'm glad I got to hear it.

Denise said...

That's so sweet that Will loves the yellow blanket. Maybe he has some sort of connection to his 'brother' that he doesn't even know. :) I'm sorry you had to go through that, but thank God he carried you through.

The Cannon Chronicles said...

What an incredible story! Thanks for sharing. It must have been so hard! I am so glad Will treasures that yellow blanket.

Cyndi said...

I can barely type. Vision is blurred by tears. I know that child was a boy too. I can't wait to meet him someday.
I never knew of the yellow blanket, but I'll never foget it now.
love you so much

Allen, Sharis & Trace said...

Jennifer, I don't think that I have ever heard your entire story. Thanks for being so vulnerable. We will continue to pray for you and this pregnancy. Let us know if we can do anything for you. Love you!