Tuesday, July 27, 2010

A difficult week.

This week will be, and has been one of the toughest weeks I've had in a long time. This is my last week at home with my boys as a SAHM. I thought I was ready to go back to work, I thought I was ready for "adult conversation" and "a paycheck". But to be honest, I want to stay home. I'm am breaking apart inside, and I want nothing more than to wake up to the sound of Wes banging his passi on the crib and not to the sound of loud beeps. I want to make cinnamon rolls for my boys and watch Nick Jr. I want to go outside and sit on the porch while Wes is in his bouncer, and while Will runs in his "fast shoes". I can catch up on "adult conversation" another day. And I would continue budgeting on one paycheck forever. I want to stay home...but we have planned this and I have accepted a position at WMHS. I know I will get "use to it" but my heart is in a million pieces right now.

I am also sad because Will has to stay at pre-school all day (till 3pm). I'm sad that he has to nap on a mat and not in his bed holding his favorite pillow.

I'm sad that Wes will be with a sitter that has more than one child. I am so thankful for her, don't get me wrong. But I wish a family member could keep him and give him that "one-on-one attention" that I gave him.

I'm sad....because I really want to stay home.

I will miss taking them to Ckick-fil-a for breakfast.

I will miss taking them to the pool.

I will miss watching them drive each other crazy.

I will miss the eight hours a day that I am about to lose with them.

I just want to be home with my boys....

I am also sad because the man that I called my step-dad for the past thirty years, is dying. He has days to live. One day I will write a post just about him. Many of you know him...Darel is his name. He is a huge part of my life...and I'm so sad that my days with him are numbered.

This is such a hard week for me friends...I can barely see my screen to type. My days with Darel are numbered, my days as a SAHM are numbered, watching daily milestones with Wes are numbered...it's just a hard week and I will probably cry more this week than I have in a very long time.

I really want to stay home....

And I'm not ready to send my step-dad home...

3 comments:

Jeanne said...

My heart can relate to this post all too well. I'm sad that you're sad :( Here's a scripture that has gotten me through more times than I care t count "And the God of all grace, who has caled you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast." 1Peter 15:10

Cyndi said...

This makes me want to cry. I think every good mother feels this way at some point. Please know that I love you and send big hugs and prayers your way.

Janet said...

Jen - so sorry to hear about Darel passing away. I know you were very close to him. My prayers are with you and your family. I know it will be difficult to go back to work, but you have done it before and you can do it again. It will all work out and you will cherish the time you do have with them after school, holidays, and the weekends. You are a great mom to your two boys. Don't ever think any different.